I don’t mind my sex with my wife. I know it can’t be as good as sex with a new partner. Variety is the spice of life, but I can settle for a spice-free diet.
HUSBAND
Gay Talese writes in his book Thy Neighbor’s Wife, “Instead of loving him less after sleeping with another man, she was sure that she loved him more.” Variety in sex has been seen in early sexual perspectives as an almost irresistible attraction, and it has been assumed that sameness of partner cannot compete with newness of partner. In a society that values newness and change over sameness and predictability, an entire industry has emerged to provide men with anonymous partners. Look in the Yellow Pages in any major city under “Escort Service.” Pick any number and call it. Women will be sent by home delivery, made to order. Our double standard has, of course, not made such services widely available to women.
Emphasis on variety neglects one fact. Practice still makes perfect, and the best practice is with one partner. One rule of sexual practice is that it does not generalize. Making love well with one partner is no guarantee of making love well with someone else. The tests and opportunities in this book are of most help to a man and woman committed to being together over time. It is simply not possible to have fulfilling sex with a variety of partners in short, anonymous meetings. It is possible to have ejaculation and tension release, but seldom psychasms and never super sex. Some of our most treasured moments in life relate to sameness, repetition, tradition. As Tevye sings in Fiddler on the Roof, there is nothing quite like “tradition!” Sexual traditions are important, too.
Ask people you know about their view of sexual variety. Most people, following a divorce, go through a period of sexual freedom with new partners. After several weeks of this activity, they begin to look for one partner. Sex manuals that encourage marriages to “compete” with anonymous sex by creating mystery, or even wearing costumes and wigs, miss the key value of one partner over time, the value of knowing someone totally. As a popular song pointed out, freedom can come to mean nothing left to lose.
So there you have it. Ten myths about male sexuality. You can probably think of many more yourself. By now, if you have discussed this material with your spouse, you have done much to open new possibilities for a sexual style of your own design.
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